So Christmas is officially less than 1 month away. I smugly bought my first Christmas gift more than a month ago, but sadly the Presents Purchased count sits still at 1 today.
Besides all the gifts to buy, there are stockings to stuff, festive dinners to organize/plan/prepare, a tree/wreath/mantel to trim, holiday greetings to send, and hampers to fill for the less fortunate. This list is no job for a Post-It note, this calls for a full-fledged organization system (thank you Things for iPhone!).
However, this is not the list that gets me sweaty with worry. It is the list of the many parties to attend, canapes to sample, and pretty drinks to imbibe that I can’t possibly say no to (because I’m weak and love parties) that has me freaking out every early December. It’s because I know I’ll be packing an extra 5 or 10 come January 1 and that’s no holiday tip!
Enter The Universal Contour Wrap™ (UCW). According to the brochure, “the UCW exfoliates and cleanses your skin, detoxifies your body, tightens loose tissue and gives you exceptional and lasting inch loss. It is excellent for reducing the appearance of cellulite and stretch marks.” (!!) The $200 treatment is also free if you don’t lose 6 inches in your first session, regardless of your size or shape and they will re-wrap you for free if the inches don’t stay off for 30 days. Well needless to say, I signed myself up.
I went to the Spa at the Madison in Burnaby, based on a friend’s recommendation (she lost 10.2 inches!) and held a private ceremony to say good-bye to my muffin top. I was then taken to a room with a massage table on it and asked to replace all my clothing with a paper thong. She then weighed me and measured me in about 30 spots – wrist, elbow, upper arm, neck, chin, ankle, mid-calf, knee, mid-thigh, upper-thigh, hips, waist, chest midline, breast, you get the picture. The clinician then pulled out a tub of tensor bandages that have been soaking in a hot clay solution for hours and deftly wrapped about 70 of these skin-coloured bandages around me, scalding my arms, legs, torso, butt and neck/chin. At the end of the wrapping, I actually looked like I gained 100 pounds. Then she pulled a XXL sweat suit made out of thick plastic and pulled it on me (as I was immobilized) making my Sumo wrestler transformation complete. She then tipped my body onto the massage table, where I promptly fell asleep for over an hour.
When I awoke, I was all alone in a darkened room, shivering in my suit of bandages and Hefty bags, berating myself for enduring this humiliation in the name of vanity. The clinician came back into the room, peeled off my garbage bag sweat suit and proceeded to unroll the cooled bandages from my nether regions. I was freezing and streaked in grey mud. I know this because we were standing in front of a full-length mirror. After all the measurements were done, she said I lost a total of 7.5 inches, mostly from my upper thigh and chin. But like the Double Mint twins, I could not tell the difference. Except that I had a lot less pride.